It's My Birthday and I'll Whine If I Want To

I'm a totally reasonable person. I try not to get hung up on petty or trivial things. I take pride in the fact that I don't really care what celebrities are wearing or who anyone is sleeping with. The things that tend to really upset me have more to do with civil rights, health care, violence, poverty, shit like that. 

Now having said ALL of that, I'm turning 40 next week and I fucking hate it. I hate it and I don't want to and I am so totally going to approach this birthday kicking and screaming the whole way. 

Now I do realize that -- and yes, this next part is being delivered to the crowd from my perch on my very own high horse -- I might not feel this way if I had a pair of balls instead of a set of tits and ovaries. Not because there's some kind of property in estrogen that makes this particular birthday difficult but because, basically, men decided a while ago that at the age of 40 a woman's vagina begins to rot out of her body and she no longer serves any sort of purpose for humankind or the subservient animal kingdom. And since we haven't yet reached a time when the vast majority of men (and some women, too) are willing to share this world equally with us uterine folk, what they say tends to go. I'm just lucky that I'm not an actress cause if I was, I'd only get cast opposite Kirk Douglas, Alan Arkin or the second Albus Dumbledore once the big 4-0 hit. 

I do admit to generally liking birthdays, despite the fact that mine is so close to Christmas. I have all the normal triggers that everyone whose birthday is close to Christmas has. One tradition that never gets old: when my best friend gives me my birthday gift, it is ALWAYS accompanied by her pointing out the non-Christmas wrapping paper. And you know what? I fucking appreciate that. But, as I was saying, I do. I like birthdays. I like the fun. I like the attention. Fuck, I like the presents. I'm woman enough to admit that freely. 

But...for reals...I am seriously not liking this one. I remember when I was twenty, thinking to myself that I was halfway to 40 and how fast that first 20 years went. And now the next twenty have gone by. I hope I nail down the ability to savor every moment in the next twenty so it doesn't feel like it's flying by so fast. So I don't close my eyes for what seems like a second only to realize I'm turning 60. 

I have a sneaking suspicion though that this next 20 is going to be amazing. For maybe the first time ever in my life I feel on the cusp of something. I feel like I'm approaching the very beginning of my destiny and instead of pulling at my leash to get away, I'm running towards it. 

So, maybe 40 isn't going to be so bad. Maybe, just maybe, 40 is going to be amazing. Maybe, at age 40, I'll begin to take over the world. And when I do, I'm going to make sure that 40 is no longer "old". 40 will no longer be the age when people begin to decompose and slowly approach irrelevancy. And by people, I mean women. 

40, instead, will be the age when we begin our ascent into a higher plane of existence. 40 will be when a new level of respect is reached and a new, more refined, thought process is developed. 40 will be the beginning of the Age of Enlightenment. 

And, you know, 40 will be when we start becoming our most awesome selves.

Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady

I'll be honest, there's a lot about being married that doesn't feel any different Yet, at least. I don't know how things are going to feel in a year, 10 years, 50 years but so far most everything is pretty much the same. 

Maybe it because my husband and I were living together before we got married. Maybe it's because we're not planning on doing the kids thing so this isn't the first step in a series of monumental changes to our life. Maybe it's because we're both almost 40 and so we both either already feel like grownups or have already come to terms with the fact that nothing is going to make us feel like grownups. 

Maybe though, it's cause I've already felt married. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, this legal thing is a HUGE deal. Despite the fact that we got married in Vegas, we knew perfectly well what we were doing. I know that this, as far as the legal system is concerned, is a binding contract. I know that there really aren't too many decisions bigger than this one. 

I know that signing my name is going to be a bitch for a while. 

But, I also know that even before November 21, my husband had me for life. I've thought a lot about that notion that there's always someone in a relationship that loves the other person more. Truthfully, I've been afraid of that concept for much of my life -- being afraid to be on either end of that spectrum. I felt, though, that logically it made sense. You can't actually love someone the exact same amount that they love you. Impossible!

And now? I realize that it's not like a measuring cup of love. It's not like there's a scale somewhere that can calculate the tiniest difference in the weight of one's love. I realize that things don't work that way. I realize now that there are some couples that are in a race to love each other the most. I realize that some people support each other, love each other and comfort each other so intrinsically that measuring love seems silly and petty and truly unnecessary. I realize now that it's truly possible to be so secure in your partner that you can't imagine measuring your love or his(hers). That when you think about this whole idea, you can't imagine anyone loving someone any more than you love him(her) and then you think about the love he(she) gives to you every single day and you realize that you are literally loved just as much as you love. 

Marriage isn't much different for me yet. That's true. But I still have those moments when I just stop and look around -- when I see men's shoes at the door or get a good look into the master bedroom closets or just glance to my left and see my husband sitting on the cou

ch -- and the 12 year old girl inside of me just giggles and thinks gleefully, "I'm married!! I've got a husband! Holy shit!" And yes, my 12 year old self would've totally said holy shit, just ask my matron of honor. 

I'm pretty psyched about this whole marriage thing. I know it's not going to all be easy but last time I checked nothing about life was. I do have a feeling though that life is going to be a little bit easier with my husband at my side. It's amazing how little I'm afraid of now, not because I think bad stuff can't happen but because I found the person who considers it an honor to battle all of the monsters with me -- someone that I would slay any dragon for. And not only am I not as scared but I'm more brave and powerful than I could've ever imagined. Failure isn't so scary when the existence of the person next to you makes you realize you're always a winner.

Oh Joy! David O. Russell and Friends Are Back!

Could David O. Russell please stop casting the same people in all of his movies? I mean, for real. Like, for real, for real. 

Hey, who was in that movie The Fighter? Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Melissa Leo.

Hey, who was in Silver Linings Playbook? Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, Robert De Niro.

Hey, who was in American Hustle? Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro.

Hey, who is in that new movie Joy? Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, Robert De Niro. 

For fuck's sake, David O. Russel, it's like you're trying to be the grittier, douchier version of Tim Burton. Except instead of lining up Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter for every single movie, just turn Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper into every character conceivable. That blueprint has worked out spectacularly for Burton.

I mean, who didn't love and adore the way he made childhood favorites like Alice in Wonderland and Willy Wonka into something straight out of a twelve year old's erotic nightmares?! And I'm sure Steven Sondheim loved what he did with Sweeney Todd, turning him into the most boring story of singing, cosmetology and murder anyone has ever seen! Fuck, instead of slicing throats it would have been easier to just put everyone into a goddamn coma. I saw that movie on my birthday (my motherfucking BIRTHDAY) and I seriously fell a-fucking-sleep after 30 minutes. 30 minutes. And I was looking forward to that movie! Hell, when my roommate woke me up and I gave the movie five more excruciating minutes of my time, I ended up rolling over as much as my theatre seat would allow and I fucking went back to damn sleep. 

Directors falling in love with certain stars and forgetting about everyone else on the planet has always turned out great. Not having to wonder where your next paycheck is coming from has definitely made Johnny Depp a solid choice for me. I mean, I look forward to every sell-out move he makes nowadays, whether it's something from the now-constantly predictable Burton, a 15th Pirates of the Caribbean movie or just drivel like The Tourist or The Lone Ranger.

Leo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese have gotten into the mix too. I mean, sure The Departed was awesome and I fucking love The Aviator but you know what isn't good no matter what anyone tells you? Gangs of New York. I don't care that Daniel Day-Lewis is in it, so is Cameron Diaz. And don't even get me started on the fuck fest that is The Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah, I said it. And I know that there are a whole host of people who now want to lynch me because of what I just wrote and I get that. Nothing is more deliciously hedonistic than sitting in your underwear on the couch, Cheeto crumbs staining your fingertips and snake hole, jacking off to the wonders of The Wolf of Wall Street. Cause that's all it is -- a gluttonous bull-n-bear wankfest. 

No one is immune to it. It happens to the best pairings of the best in their field. I mean, Splash is 80s awesome and Apollo 13 is pretty fucking rad and Tom Hanks and Ron Howard have done some amazing work throughout both of their careers. And then they did The DaVinci Code and Angels & Demons. 

See what I mean?

But, I'm sure it's gonna be different for David O. Russell and his merry band of followers. I'm sure Jennifer Lawrence's fierce quirkiness or Bradley Cooper's scruffy charm is going to keep shit from going down. Robert De Niro's ability to transform himself into the ever-changing characters from Goodfellas, Casino, Meet the Parents, The Family, Analyze This...wait, what was I saying?  

I'm sure David O. Russell isn't headed down a very well-marked path to directing mainstream dreck starring people who should be doing more interesting work. That couldn't possibly happen. I mean, let's face it, the best way to learn and grow in your art is to work with the same people over and over again. It worked for the royals and their lineage. Nothing bad happened at all when bloodlines didn't mix enough. Besides, working with the same people over and over again has proven successful for some people. Just look at Adam Sandler. There's a guy who can hold his head up high when discussing his impeccable body of work.